A Little Out of Tune
by Minx1
Summary: Snape and Lupin have a musical experience. Written for the Snape Fest scenario: Inappropriate songfic. RL/SS slash.


Title: A Little Out of Tune

Author: Minx

Feedback: miraminx@yahoo.com

Rating: R

Pairing: SS/RL

Disclaimer: JK Rowling owns these lovely lads and all the lovely money they make for her.  All I have is a very vivid fantasy life.  This seems fair to me.  I don't own the songs either, by the way.  

Summary: Snape and Lupin have a musical experience.

Notes: Part of the Severus Snape Fuh-Q Fest, First Wave.  Response to scenario no. 133, inappropriate song fic.  Songs are "I Will Always Love You" (as sung by Whitney Houston; written by Dolly Parton) and "Closer" (NIN), plus a bonus reference at the end.  Thanks again to Cybele for the beta and wonderful suggestions.  

"You're a dolt, Goyle!"  Crabbe pushed his friend.  The crowd assembling for dinner outside the Great Hall stopped to watch.  

"Watch it, you wanker!"  Goyle pushed back.  

"Mr. Crabbe!  Mr. Goyle!  Cease this activity at once!"  Severus Snape strode forward.  He felt something tickle the back of his neck, but ignored it.  As he neared the two boys, still shoving at one another, he hissed, "Stop this immediately, or I will have to give you detention.  How dare you squabble where the Gryffindors can see you?"  He flicked his eyes toward Potter, Weasley, and Thomas, all watching avidly.  Malfoy was also nearby; Snape glowered at him.  As Slytherin Head Boy, Malfoy should have stopped the fight before it started.

Crabbe and Goyle stepped away from each other hastily.  "Yes, Professor Snape," they mumbled to their oversized feet.

He shot them one last cold glare and entered the Great Hall, brushing by Remus Lupin as he did so.  The werewolf was absently rubbing his temple.  Their eyes met briefly.  A fragment of song skittered over the surface of Snape's consciousness.

*If I should stay

I would only be in your way

So I'll go but I know

I'll think of you every step of the way

And I will always love you*

How aggravating.  Why was it that it was always the most sugary pop confections imaginable that rooted themselves in his brain and played there over and over again?  

Snape couldn't imagine where he had heard the so-called tune.  It certainly didn't seem like a Weird Sisters number.  He shoved the nagging song out of his head and sat at the head table, scowling ferociously at Lupin.  

Remus Lupin had his own problem.  As Snape had swept by him, a light scent of citrus wafting off him, Lupin had suddenly recalled something he must have heard once, a driving, throbbing noise that he couldn't even really call music.  

*you let me violate you

you let me desecrate you

you let me penetrate you

you let me complicate you*

It played over and over in his head throughout dinner.  Where on earth had it come from?  Perhaps it was a Weird Sisters number.  Lupin shook his head and caught sight of Malfoy staring at him.  He knew he shouldn't, but he really disliked the boy.  He sighed and decided to give his lamb chops the attention they so richly deserved.  

Two evenings later Snape braced himself to deliver the Wolfsbane Potion to Lupin.  

*I will always love you*

Dammit!  The song kept popping into his head at the most inopportune moments.  Snape  clenched his teeth and stormed out of the dungeon and up the stairs, holding the steaming goblet.  He knocked on Lupin's door.  

*Will always love you

You, my darling you*

The door opened.  Lupin looked pained, and he hadn't even drunk his potion yet.  "Oh.  Hello, Severus."  

He stepped aside and Snape swept in, resisting the ludicrous urge to say, 'hello, darling.'  He set down the goblet on Lupin's desk.  "Drink up," he said, much less harshly than he would have liked.    

Lupin drank quickly, clearly repressing the urge to gag, and handed the goblet back to Snape.  "Thank you," he said as he always did.

"You're welcome," Snape replied, for the first time ever.  He left before he could inflict further humiliation upon himself, leaving Lupin standing there, dumbstruck.  

*Bittersweet Memories  
That is all I'm taking with me  
So goodbye please don't cry*

Right, as if Lupin would ever cry.  He was really an amazingly strong person, when Snape thought about it.  But were his own memories bittersweet?  And why the bloody hell was he associating the song with Lupin?  He stood stock-still in the middle of the corridor, causing a gaggle of giggling Hufflepuffs to come to a screeching halt and head rapidly in the opposite direction.  The song had crept into his head two days previously just before dinner, where Lupin had been present.  Since then it had grown in intensity several times: he'd brushed by Lupin in the corridor (*If I should stay *), seen him in the stands at the Slytherin-Gryffindor Quidditch match (*I would only be in your way*), walked by the DADA classroom just as Lupin was entering it (*So I'll go*).

This was unspeakably horrifying.  And inappropriate.  After all, Lupin was the one who had left three years ago.  And anyway, he was back now.  (*But I will always love you*) Snape would most certainly *not* always love him.  No, he meant that he didn't even love Lupin to begin with.  

"Aarrgghh!"  Snape said aloud.  Weasley and Potter, passing by, flinched and hurried on, displaying an unusual sense of self-preservation for once.  Snape resumed his journey to the dungeon.  

*Bittersweet Memories  
That is all I'm taking with me*

'Bittersweet memories', indeed.  Memories of Lupin's face when he found that Snape had revealed his secret to the Slytherins.  Of Lupin's efforts to explain that he hadn't known about Black's near-fatal prank.  Or even of his radiant smile when he came back to Hogwarts, restored to society's good graces by a new Ministry edict granting regular wizarding rights to qualifying werewolves…  Snape slammed his dungeon door behind him with a satisfying thunk, picked up a pile of student essays, and shoved Lupin out of his brain.

Back in his office, Lupin reviewed the strange encounter.  He'd opened the door, and the horrible thudding 'music' ran through his head.

*help me i broke apart my insides  
help me i've got no soul to sell*

Snape had come in, appearing even more peeved than usual.  Lupin had drunk the potion and returned the goblet to Snape's long-fingered, graceful hand.  What a peculiar thing to notice. 

*help me the only thing that works for me  
help me get away from myself*

But the whole point of the potion was that it allowed him to remain himself.  He knew by now that the wolf wasn't his true self, wasn't even his other self, despite what various DADA theorists had written.  *Help me* …  Was his subconscious trying to tell him he needed Snape's help?  He already knew that.  He didn't particularly care for the fact, but he knew it.  He shook his head, took off his clothes in order to await his transformation, and shoved Snape out of his brain.    

Snape went to breakfast early the next day, hoping to avoid Lupin.  But the other man was already there, attacking a huge plate of food.  Snape recalled that Lupin was always exceptionally hungry the day after a transformation.  

*We both know I'm not what you  
You need

And I will always love you*

Well, of course.  Snape would be a completely inappropriate partner for Lupin.  Because, well, Lupin needed someone who would understand him.  Someone who recognized that he was a man, not a beast.  Someone who saw Lupin's power and strength instead of believing that his lycanthropy weakened him.  Someone who--  Snape crunched into his muesli in an effort to avoid the thought that he himself fit all these criteria.  

*And I will always love you  
I will always love you*

He.  Did.  Not.  Love.  Lupin!  Another crunch, and a shooting pain in his mouth.  He clapped his hand to his jaw.

"Severus?  Are you all right?"  Golden eyes peered at him.  

*I will always love you*

"No!  I mean, yes, I am quite fine."  Snape gingerly probed the sore spot in his mouth.  Blast it, he'd broken a tooth.  He stood up.  "However, I believe a visit to Madam Pomfrey is in order."

"Would you like me to accompany you?"  Lupin heard the words leave his mouth with a sense of shock.  

*i wanna fuck you like an animal  
i wanna feel you from the inside*

He *was* an animal.  Snape was injured, and Lupin was having blatantly sexual thoughts about him.  About Snape!  Sarcastic (amusing), bitter (brooding), greasy (actually quite sexy in an unwashed kind of way) Snape.  

"No," Snape gasped.  He strode away quickly, leaving Lupin to stare at the swirl of his black robes.  

*i wanna fuck you like an animal  
my whole existence is flawed*

Lupin speared a fried tomato and ate it.  His existence was just fine, thank you very much.  Out of the corner of his eye he saw Malfoy and his little gang watching him.  He shot them his best imitation of Snape's glare, and saw them quail.  It was surprisingly satisfying; he could understand why Snape did it.  Snape again.  And that damned song.  Why did it keep intruding on his thoughts?  And why, sweet Merlin, did it make him think of Snape?  

*you bring me closer to god*

He laughed aloud.  That was just blatantly wrong.  The only thing Snape had ever brought him closer to was aconite.  Feeling much better, Lupin devoted himself once more to his eggs and bacon.  

Snape had almost forgotten about the staff meeting that afternoon.  Luckily—or unluckily—Pomfrey had reminded him while she glued his tooth back together.  He came in a few minutes late, as he'd been handing out detentions to Weasley, Thomas, and Potter for giggling during class.  The only remaining seat was next to Lupin.  Of course.  He gritted his teeth, repressed a wince of pain as his newly mended tooth protested its rough treatment, and sat.    

*I hope life treats you kind  
And I hope you have all you dreamed of  
And I wish to you joy and happiness*

Somehow Snape didn't think life had treated Lupin too kindly, nor that he'd had all he'd dreamed of, unless he'd dreamed of years of agony, deprivation, and loneliness.  Rather like what Snape himself had undergone, now that he thought about it.

Lupin shifted uneasily.  He'd hoped against hope that someone, anyone—even Sybill 'Doom and Gloom' Trelawney—would sit next to him before the meeting started.  But no one had, and now Snape was just inches from him.  

*you can have my isolation  
you can have the hate that it brings  
you can have my absence of faith  
you can have my everything*

The things that Lupin didn't acknowledge in his life.  Loneliness, resentment, and hopelessness.  Rather like Snape's life, now that he thought about it.  Perhaps if he shared these things, they would go away.  Or at least be easier to cope with.  

"Sorry, Albus, what was that?"  A smoky voice, right beside him, asked.  So Snape hadn't been paying attention to whatever it was that Albus had been nattering on about either.  

"We're discussing the Christmas break, Severus.  Will you be staying here?"

Snape nodded sharply.  

"And you, Remus?"

"Oh … yes."  As if he had anywhere else to go.  The music was still pounding in his head.  

*help me, tear down my reason  
help me, it's your sex i can smell*

Before Lupin could stop himself, he inhaled deeply.  Snape's enticing citrus scent came to him strongly, and he shivered.  He became aware that people around him were standing up.  Oh, the meeting was over.  But Snape was still sitting beside him, staring off into space.

"My dear boys.  A word, if I may."  Dumbledore smiled benignly at them.  The rest of the room cleared out.  

Snape waited, wondering what fresh hell Dumbledore had in store for him.  

*And I will always love you  
Will always love you*

"You both seemed a trifle distracted.  Everything all right?"  

Snape resisted the urge to say, 'Oh fine, except that I have a song going through my head telling me that I'm in love with the werewolf.'

Lupin resisted the urge to say, 'Oh fine, except that I have a song going through my head telling me that I want to fuck the Potions teacher.'  

"Yes," they said in unison, then stared at each other.    

"Hm."  Dumbledore stroked his beard thoughtfully.  "I seem to be picking something up."  He pulled out his wand.  "May I?"

They nodded dumbly, still looking at one another.  Dumbledore performed a diagnostic charm.  He chuckled.  "Oh, not again.  Every time this happens, I tell Filius not to teach that charm.  He never pays attention."

Snape's head jerked around.  "What is it?"

"Filius teaches a charm that only requires a slight alteration in order to produce a quite interesting effect.  Some clever student—in this case, apparently, two different students—usually manages to work out the necessary alteration."  Dumbledore smiled.  He was probably going to award extra points to the students in question, Snape thought blackly.

"Yes, but what is it?" Lupin asked.  

"Oh, it's a musical charm.  The alteration involves causing a song to play inside another person's head.  And—"  Dumbledore picked up his wand again— "Oh, clever lads.  One wonders if they—no, impossible."  

"What?!"  Snape was ready to explode.  The music in his head had become very loud.  *I will always love you.*

"Well, apparently whoever cast the spell on you set the song to play whenever you see Remus, and whoever cast the spell on Remus—"

"Oh, hell."  Lupin sank his head into his hands.  *i wanna fuck you like an animal* ran through his brain again.  A sudden, terrifying thought occurred to him.  "Albus, can you hear the song?"  

Judging by the horrified expression on Snape's face, whatever he was hearing was at least as embarrassing as Lupin's little ditty.

"No," Dumbledore said reassuringly.  "Would you like it to stop?"

"YES!"  Once again, they spoke in unison.

"Very well.  Finite Incantatem."  

Lupin gasped with relief as the thudding noises ground to a halt.  He saw Snape's face relax slightly.  "Thank you, Albus."  

Snape merely nodded.  They both stood at the same time.  There was an awkward moment.  

"Er…  I'll see you at dinner, then."  Lupin moved towards the door.

"Oh…  Yes."  Snape followed him.  "At dinner."  But then they were both in the hallway, and Snape was still following Lupin as he headed to his room.

"Severus?"

"Yes?"

"This isn't the way to the dungeon."

"Oh."  Snape looked at his misbehaving feet.  They were still walking him beside Lupin.  "I—"

"Perhaps you'd like a drink?"  Lupin surprised himself by asking.  He went on hastily.  "We can discuss how to find and punish the pranksters in question."  He assured himself that his invitation had nothing to do with the song that for some bizarre reason had started running through his brain again.   

*i wanna fuck you like an animal  
i wanna feel you from the inside*

"Indeed.  Although I believe Albus already knows and is deliberately withholding the information."  

They arrived at Lupin's rooms and walked in.  Lupin waved Snape to the sofa, fetched them each a large scotch, and sat next to him.  There was another silence.  Although the spell was gone, Snape would have sworn that the song was still playing in his head.  

*I will always love  
Will always love you...  
Will always love you...*

The voice rose to an ear-piercing shriek.  He winced.  Lupin cast him a sympathetic glance.  "You still hear yours too?"

Snape nodded.  He was suddenly beset by an all-consuming curiosity.  "Er…  What did they make you hear?"  He watched in interest as the other man flushed a dark red.  "I'll tell you mine," he heard himself offering.  Oh no, had he actually said that?  Clearly the enchantment had driven him mad.  "Forget I said that," he said just as Lupin mumbled something.  "What?"  He couldn't possibly have heard right.

"I want to fuck you like an animal!"  Lupin clapped his hand over his mouth, then removed it long enough to say, "Right, what's yours?"

It was like some horrid playground game.  Snape took a hearty swallow of his scotch.  "I—"  He choked.  "I will—"  He choked again.  "I can't say it."  He stood, went to the desk, and wrote the phrase on a stray piece of parchment, then handed it to Lupin.

Lupin read in Snape's distinctive hand, 'I will always love you.'  He turned away quickly to hide his smile.      

"We will never speak of this to anyone."  Snape was attempting to take charge of the situation.  

"No, of course not," Lupin said gravely.  He tried to repress his smile.  "Not a word.  Not a—not a peep."  A little snort escaped him.  Then he gave up and laughed.  He managed to gasp, "Sorry.  It's not—"  and waved the piece of parchment about.  He laughed until his eyes began watering.  

Snape snatched the parchment out of his hand and shredded it.  "I fail to see the humor here, Lupin.  I was tortured by an insipid love song—" he infused the word 'love' with utter loathing—"while you seem to have been equally tormented by some song about bestiality."  

Lupin wiped the tears from the corners of his eyes.  "No, it was actually about—"  What had it been about?  "Finding redemption and meaning in one's life with the help of another person."  He drank some of his scotch.  "What was yours about, really?"

Snape grimaced.  "Love.  And—"  A little pause.  "Regret and sacrifice."  

"Hm."  There was something in the way Snape was looking at him…  "You know, my song made me—well, it made me think about you in a different way.  Did yours—"

Snape had frozen.  That meant yes.  Lupin grinned.  And not just in a different way, but a positive way, otherwise Snape would be dying to tell him all about it.  He set his glass down and moved closer to the other man.  He caught the alluring scent of citrus again.  "In this way?"  Lupin asked quietly, putting his hand on Snape's arm.  

Snape was staring down at him.  But he hadn't moved away.  Lupin slid his hand up, into the soft, surprisingly un-greasy hair, and pulled Snape to him.  They kissed.  He felt long arms wrap around him and hold him tightly.  He smiled into the other man's mouth.  

*you can have my everything*

Two weeks later, Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, and Dean Thomas were huddled together under the Invisibility Cloak on the stairs leading to the dungeon.  They were about to try to sneak into the Slytherin common room and plant some dungbombs.  They had frozen when they heard footsteps.

Professor Lupin came into sight.  Harry felt Dean and Ron twitch with surprise.  Lupin ran lightly down the stairs and knocked at a door.  It swung open, revealing Snape, who reached out, took Lupin's hand, and lifted it to his lips.  Harry elbowed Ron savagely when he heard his friend drawing in breath to exclaim something.  The door shut behind the two men.  

"Merlin!"  Ron whispered.  "That's—that—"

Harry heard something, and elbowed Ron again.  He craned his head cautiously in the direction of the sound.  It was Malfoy, who had been hidden in a nearby niche.  "Bugger me," Draco muttered to himself.  "Never would have thought *that's* who Snape was bonking."  Malfoy sauntered back to his common room, mumbling something about music and the savage beast.  

"I think perhaps we should leave the dungbombs for another night," Dean said quietly.  

Considering the apparent consequences of their last excursion into pranksterism, Harry thought that this was a fine idea.  Plus, he needed to get Dean to the common room before pummeling him senseless.  When Harry had looked at Malfoy, he could have sworn he heard a thready female voice singing, "You make me feel shiny and real, like a virgin…"

The end.  


End file.
